It's Official... Life Really Does Suck

Never in my life did I ever think I would reach this point. I have literally had multiple crashes since monday and they seem to be coming at an incredibly fast speed. There was a point where I actually felt that ceasing to exist may just be the best option. Thank goodness I lack the courage to actually take my own life.
I came to realisation earlier today that I am spreading myself too thin and because of that I may just have a serious nervous breakdown. It's actually very funny because no one would think it, especially since it me.
I was told by a number of people that I seem like a person who has everything figured out and sorted; someone who is "in control". Boy, are they wrong!
For some stupid reason I fail to remember that I am only ONE person... not 20 000. If I was 20 000 I would have such a hard time being in so many places all at once. However, because I fail to recognise when I'm taking it too far it results in moments like these... when everything and everyone is the most irritating and annoying thing ever. Yet I express all this with a huge smile and cheerful "Hello".
Most people only go through all this when they're in their 30s or something, not in their 2nd year of varsity. What makes it even worse is that my priorities are so messed up; what belongs at the bottom of the list is way on top and what should be at the very top is right at the bottom. As far as I know that is NOT having everything figured out and sorted; there's extremelack of control.
I am actually giving true meaning to the name of my blog right now... "Crash & Burn...". Well, the "burn" part still has to come because it just feels like this endless process of "crashing". I am living the phrase... and it's not sweet. It totally sucks. I'm expecting a whole chunk of e-mails from many people giving me a whole lot of lip. Now there's something to look forward to.

Crash & Burn...

Anticipation Of The Worst Week Of My Life...

...is the worst feeling ever. I have been miserable the entire weekend because of the mere thought that I am expected to perform the tremendous miracle of producing 4 essays in a span of 5 days.
Is that even humanly possible? Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing a Humanities degrees! At least with Pharmacy I would be working my way up to being able to make poison, using it and getting away with it. I will not get into the Science and Commercial degrees; I have serious issues with both.

I have to write essays in all 4 of my courses all in the same week (a rare event in my life) and it's not the greatest thing either. I suppose I could cancel out the one due tomorrow since I'm almost done with it. It just doesn't make a difference though. My fears are catching up with me. I was talking to my friend telling her how I'm so scared I'll be put on academic probation next year.

I guess I have no one else to point this finger at but myself. Nobody put a gun to my head and forced me to be part of all those time consuming things they call societies and events. I should learn to prioritise better though; I need to sit down and think about what's important and what's not. It scares me that I have difficulty differentiating between the two.

Now I have a clash with two of the events I'm involved in, and I have yet to fess up to the respective powers that be and tell them my problem. That's not something I'm looking forward to, anyway. I sense a CRASH moment approaching!

Good luck to me! At least there's one thing I can look forward to: the RMR AGM/25th Birthday "Party" on friday. There's no better way to end a nightmare of a week.

Crash & Burn...

The Harsh Realities About Life And Everything Else

I was talking to a friend of mine and at one point during the conversation the topic of discussion moved from boyfriends and girlfriends to girlfriends/boyfriends being "let go" for someone of the same sex. There came a point when I realised that this was a hectic issue.

I shared my experience of what I remembered from my first J2 Radio lecture earlier this term. Our lecturer, in trying to introduce us to the course, played some recordings they had from last semester. One recording which stuck out like a sore thumb was the one where Shelly spoke about the moment when her boyfriend broke up with her last year because he was gay. She couldn't express enough how crushed, ashamed and embarassed she was to know him and to have been with him, and she never wanted to see him again.
In the recording she went on about how she felt so dirty and so unclean, as well as how difficult it was for her.

The only thing that was going through my mind when the tape was being played was how she could be so insensitive and talk about her then boyfriend like he was a monster of some sort. Yeah, sure she must have been humiliated and disgusted, but what about the guy? I'm sure he must have also had a rough time. It can't be easy having to accept the fact that as a male you're attracted to other males and not females. The mere fact that he had a girlfriend just proves this.

I can't even begin to understand what he must have went through. As much as society nowadays may be somewhat accepting of homosexuality, in some households that ideal doesn't mean much, if anything at all. What if he has a dad who doesn't even speak of homosexuals? What if to him homosexuals are not human beings? What if his mom believed with her entire soul that anyone and everyone who is gay or lesbian will never see heaven? It can't be easy for someone to deal with something like that.

Most African cultures do not understand the concept of being gay or lebian and therefore do not accept it. In many cases parents have disowned their children because of it. I think that is the worst thing a parent can do to their child. It erases the idea of unconditional love completely. I could never do that to my child. I don't particularly agree with homosexuality but if my son or daughter were to come to me and tell me that this is the deal, I would accept it and reassure him or her that nothing has changed.

I took a decision some years ago never to judge anyone based on their sexual orientation. We are not God. What right have we to say what he or she is doing with him or her is wrong? I always try to think of myself in their shoes. If I was to discover that I was a homosexual I wouldn't want my parents to cut all ties with me. I would want them to tell me that they don't judge me and they will always be by my side, no matter what society thinks or says.

I have many friends on campus who are either gay or lesbian and some of them have been subjected to other students' preconceived ideas that homosexuality is wrong and a sin and any individual engaging in any such activity didn't deserve to live. I think that is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard and seen. There has actually been an extremely high rise in homophobia since last year and that worries me because more people keep getting beaten up; Gay Bashing, as they call it.

Frankly, if I was Shelly and my boyfriend told me he was gay my reaction would have probably been very different. Naturally, I would feel some sense of humiliation I guess. I do, however, think that with my being the kind of person that I am I would very quickly start worrying about everything else. The situation is bigger than just "I'm humiliated and ashamed. Stay away from me. I never want to see you again". Surely I must mean something to him if he felt he couldn't string me along and lie to me by pretending to be heterosexual then he can keep face. If he can gather up that much courage to tell me that it means he is actually looking out for me. So surely then he can't be all that bad.

Coming from an African/Black family and having been raised with certain ideals, I would start worrying about whether he still has parents. By this I mean two adults who consider him worthy of being their son and don't feel that his sexuality changes anything about him.
It can't be easy being told that you fell in love with a guy you thought was heterosexual, but turned out to be gay. I sympathise with her. But at the same time, it can't be easy discovering that about yourself and having to accept it. It can't be easy knowing that you may be letting your parents down; your entire family. It can't be easy knowing that you have destroyed someone else's happiness just so you can live in denial. I can't be easy realising that you're gay and suddenly having to deal with it. So for that, I sympathise with her ex-boyfriend as well.

A person will never change; they will always stay the same. That person will always be the same guy or girl you've known. Why should I now pull ranks because he or she tells me she may be homosexual? What does that then say about me? What does it say about the people I value? Nothing. That simple fact; that minor detail can never change the fact that I appreciate you as a person and as a friend. My friends mean more to me than what society says or thinks. I value the people in my life and I would stick by them... no matter what. I would stick by them... homosexual, heterosexual or anything else. That doesn't, and can never ever change who they are. Never!

Crash & Burn...

The History Behind The Name...


I thought to myself for the first time today that many people probably wonder where that "t-meista" comes from. Well, to be honest I didn't come up with it. Let me back track to when it all began.

Sometime during the June/July vac I was chilling with my sisters and all was good with life. Moments later that night when I least expected it I received an sms from Kiernan. Now, Kiernan is one very special guy who goes by the name "Spesh" to all his mates. He is a legend. We were in the same Journ tut group and, because all 4 of us in that group were what one could consider to be party animals, our little group became a regular foursome of friends who make regular stops at certain (unnamed) places just to bond.
We called ourselves the Team. Hey, the way I see it anything that makes Journ that interesting is a good enough reason to be bonding.

So, back to my story, he sms'd me at one point during the vac and he just decided to call me "T-meista". It had such a nice ring to it I told him I'm gonna keep it. That was when I decided to use it for my blog.
I guess that means I owe him one, huh?
I actually feel bad because since coming back from vac I've stood my Team up twice... purely out of forgetfulness. I feel absolutely aweful. Obviously, Spesh crapped on me the next day. He called me a nerd... and I took that very personally.

Anyway, that is where the name comes from; my good old friend Special K (the K stands for Kiernan).

Crash & Burn...

Memories... And What They're Made Of.

Jammin'

Ooh, yeah! All right!
We're jammin':
I wanna jam it wid you.
We're jammin', jammin',
And I hope you like jammin', too.

Ain't no rules, ain't no vow, we can do it anyhow:
I'n'I will see you through,
'Cos everyday we pay the price with a little sacrifice,
Jammin' till the jam is through.

We're jammin' -
To think that jammin' was a thing of the past;
We're jammin',
And I hope this jam is gonna last.

No bullet can stop us now, we neither beg nor we won't bow;
Neither can be bought nor sold.
We all defend the right;
Jah - Jah children must unite:
Your life is worth much more than gold.

We're jammin' (jammin', jammin', jammin')
And we're jammin' in the name of the Lord;
We're jammin' (jammin', jammin', jammin'),
We're jammin' right straight from Yah.

Yeh! Holy Mount Zion;
Holy Mount Zion:
Jah sitteth in Mount Zion
And rules all creation.

Yeah, we're - we're jammin' (wotcha-wa),
Wotcha-wa-wa-wa, we're jammin' (wotcha-wa),
See, I wanna jam it wid you
We're jammin' (jammin', jammin', jammin')
I'm jammed: I hope you're jammin', too.

Jam's about my pride and truth I cannot hide
To keep you satisfied.
True love that now exist is the love I can't resist,
So jam by my side.

We're Jammin' (jammin', jammin', jammin'), yeah-eah-eah!
I wanna jam it wid you.
We're jammin', we're jammin', we're jammin', we're jammin',
We're jammin', we're jammin', we're jammin', we're jammin';
Hope you like jammin', too.
We're jammin', we're jammin' (jammin'),
We're jammin', we're jammin' (jammin').
I wanna (I wanna jam it wid you) - I wanna -I wanna jam wid you now.
Jammin', jammin' (hope you like jammin' too).
Eh-eh! I hope you like jammin',
I hope you like jammin',
'Cause (I wanna jam it wid you).
I wanna ... wid you.
I like - I hope you - I hope you like jammin', too.
I wanna jam it;
I wanna jam it.

--Bob Marley--

While trying to sleep I cued random songs into my player and this came on. It just reminded me of last night when Ready D was performing. The track came up, long after he had done his set, and everyone just started singing along. I have one particular image in my head of a specific person who was 'jammin' rather happily, but I think it's better if that image is not made known- for the safety of the people concerned. On the bright side, at least he was happy.

What a great song. What an awesome track. What a great legend.

Crash & Burn...

The Aftermath Of A Tornado

The 18th was absolutely awesome and everybody had fun. Initially, the party crew was just the 5 of us, namely Sibs, Sane, Gugs (the birthday girl) Noize and myself. These girls are so amazing and so much fun to be with. I love them all to death. Once we got to The Drill Hall the crew just increased. It was definitely an experience worthy of going down in history as the most fun that people have had together.

Trivarsity is over (thank goodness) and the aftermath is unbelievable. People were still hanging Sunday afternoon. One person in particular, the sweetest-looking girl. She's in my res. She was still drunk this afternoon; not hanging, drunk. Or maybe she was high. You never know with these things these days. Well, at least everyone present in the Dining Hall was entertained. I still can't get my head around how people can just drink so much for so long. I probably never will.

There were so many sirens sounding this morning. Some coming into Grahamstown and others heading out to PE. That only means that students were injured and some even lost their lives. Nicole, a friend of mine, mentioned that she was told that there was a massive accident on the main road to Port Elizabeth, or is it Nelson Mandela Bay? Anyway, obviously many students would be going back to their universities so it's likely that it was a bunch of students in the crash.

The Great Field was a very worrying sight yesterday as well. There was booze everywhere and people, in their drunken or hanging states, were all over the place. This thing called Trivarsity is not a joke. Yeah, sure it's all in the spirit of fun and support for our respective teams, but it seems to miss the point in a sense. I was inside that crowd on the stands by the field during the Rugby game, and it was not pleasant. I couldn't stay in one place for more than a few seconds so I went nearby the Beer Tent and the music since the crowd there was less.

Oh well, it's over now so there's no use dwelling on the past. I guess that's life.

Crash & Burn...

What A Rocking Night... And Then The Rain

Last night was a fantastic night and everybody had a great time getting Gugu smashed while the rest of us stayed sober. It was only right seeing as it was her 18th birthday and she was finally legal. At the Drill Hall Wigga (RMR Station Manager and our beloved "uncle") played some really cool House tracks. The man really knows his stuff. Monks also played really well. The crowd puller, or rather what was meant to be the crowd puller was Gareth Cliff. He said for his first time in Grahamstown it was awesome. I wonder if the many drunken students all over town have anything to do with that.

I had to be up at 8am this morning but I missed my 9 o'clock news. That will probably go on my record; Ross is some other kind of boss. Anyway, the night was awesome and the music was excellent. I fell in love with a particular song. The beat is still playing in my head. It was going on and on in my head the whole day. I'm in LOVE with House music.
My sister will probably have a cow if she heard me say that. She doesn't understand it. I never used to be a fan of the music either; my music collection bears all the evidence. Since I came to Grahamstown, though, House has been the most happening music.

When we eventually decided that Gugu had had enough we left, but she messed our plans to get into our beds quickly by having the munchies. That does usually follow a night of non-stop liquor consumption. So we had to take a detour to BP. That's what most "Rhodents" who get the muchies call "A BP Run"; very popular at Rhodes. This one particular night they were cleaned out. There was no decent food. I was miffed, but I got over it.

As if the detour wasn't bad enough, when we got out of BP... it started to pour. I wanted to scream. It was pouring and it was windy and cold. That was not the ideal weather to be stuck in at that time of the night, or rather morning. But we all eventually got to our respective "homes" and woke up feeling nothing but pain in the feet. I suppose that's what we get for dancing 6 hours straight non-stop. I blame Zama (friend and former fellow Cantab) for that one. My feet are actually still painful right now, but I would do it all over again. The pain is not enough to stop me from repeating history.

Crash & Burn...

Trivarsity, A 21st And An 18th... All In One

Today is the day that many Rhodes students, together with those from NMMU (formerly known as UPE) and Fort Hare get drunk just for the hell of it. Some started their party yesterday already. Trivarsity!
Personally, I think the whole thing is overrated. Purple overalls? We know we are Purple People, we don't need to be reminded of it. Gosh! It was all over the place I started getting sick... literally. Oh well, let them have their fun.

Besides Trivarsity, it just so happens that two of my good friends are having their birthdays today. Cliff aka Spliff (but it's actually his stage name... since he's "high profile" what with him being a disc-jockey and all) and Gugu turned 21 and 18... respectively.

I'm actually about to go help Gugu have an awesome birthday right now.

I hope Cliff will have a great time. He seems enthusiastic about it so he'll probablly have fun... with his "boys". I was so surprised at how he managed to keep a happy face with everything that he's going through. That's Cliff for you. Ain't nobody else like him.

Well, I'm off to have a blast! Happy Trivarsity and Power to the "Purple People"!

Crash & Burn...

In A Nutshell

Those that know me very well are aware of the fact that I am an extremely self-absorbed individual. I can go on about myself for hours and not get bored. In time I have come to discover that there are certain types of people that can take my incessant need to reveal every detail about myself, and then there are those that cannot handle it.

I wish I could help it but, hey, I have to have faults... or else I don't qualify as a normal individual.

I came across something on iafrica.com, that news site. The funny thing is that it doesn't qualify as news. I took one look at it and it felt like I was reading a paragraph out my autobiography.

You are primarily strong-willed and single-minded, imbued with idealism and ambition, and also adventurous and enterprising. But you are wrapped up in your own interests and largely indifferent to the opinions of others. There is absolutely nothing complex about your nature; you are inspired and imaginative, lacking in subtlety and tact, and driven by your incessant need to be number one. Your urge for conquest makes you determined and purposeful, but only up to a point. If an endeavour or a challenge fails to deliver immediate results, chances are that you will abandon it for another goal. Your aspirations, like your emotions, are ardent and passionate, yet short-lived. You can be generous and humorous, yet you are often jealous and unscrupulous.

These are typical characteristics of an idiot born in April... like me. So much of it is true it's scary.

Crash & Burn...

My Blast From The Past

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;


If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;


If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";


If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

--Rudyard Kipling--


I remember back in high school when I and several other victims were sworn in as Prefects for 2004. My primary school headmaster, Mr Jeremy Cranna, gave each of us this poem to serve as a reminder of how we should go about our lives, especially since we were going to be taking a lot of flack from people. Whoever glorified the position of prefect must have been an extremely disturbed individual, because there is nothing glorious about taking nonsense from all types of nonsenses.
The poem meant a lot, especially coming from him. I will always have great respect for that man.

Anyway, I still have it somewhere among my many worded documents at home. Maybe the next time I'm home I'll look for it and frame it or something.

Crash & Burn...

Life

Sometimes you just have to take what's given to you and deal with it as best you can. There's nobody else that can handle it better than you.

"Gratitude"

Thankful for relaxation, complication,
Hivination and irritation
Succlusion, confusion are my impurities
And securities
Cause I know it`s god just perfecting me
That`s why I today I take my life as it comes

--India.Arie--

Crash & Burn...

One Is The Magic Number...


"One Is The Magic Number"

No hay nadie mas que yo,
Uno es el numero magico
En vida y en muerte,
Uno es todo
Comprende

If I multiply 2 times 2 is it really, really 4 me
La
And if I add 5 to get 9 minus 8 that just leaves me
Me
So many times I define my pride
Through somebody else's eyes (La da da, la da)
Then I looked inside and found my own stride,
I found the lasting love for me
If I'm searching for my spirituality
Passionately I must begin with me

There's just me...
One is the magic number

If I add myself unto myself multiplied times
You and yours and you again
There's just me
And if I divide 8 billion, 48 trillion, 98 zillion
There is, there is just me
If I subtract one plus me to the 5th degree,
Use any theorem
There's just me

There's just me...
One is the magic number

Me, me, me, me...

--Jill Scott--

Crash & Burn...